I'm not really sure what this particular entry is about but I'm feeling compelled to address this subject after reading
Michele's blog, several
articles in the
newspaper of late and after an emergency trip home to Utah to try and rescue one of our children yet again. I suppose I'm heartsick for parents who become activists AFTER they've lost children because while it's all happening A) you don't want to believe it's happening and B) you are afraid of being judged. But after years of dealing with children with addiction issues I've discovered keeping quiet about it does not benefit anyone.
I'm not going to pretend that I understand addiction even after reading a plethora of books, articles, watching DVD's, participating in DVD's, attending
Nar Anon or Al Anon meetings and talking with more doctors than I care to count. But I have seen the results of it. Young adults who turn into people you don't recognize. Someone who was a darling, funny, smart & loving child turns into a stranger who will do anything including lie, cheat, and steal to sustain a habit that has completely overcome their being. They lose their soul and their moral compass and as one doctor told me, "Trust me, no one is more soul sick over becoming this shadow of themselves than the addict when they're finally clean and realize what they've done". But even that cannot stop them from using again and again.
As a parent you look at everything you did in raising them and wonder what you could have done differently and how you somehow helped cause this. Maybe we had them involved in too much. Softball, soccer, dance, music.......or maybe we didn't do enough.....perhaps I should have home schooled, or sent them to private christian school, or not had television in the house or locked them in their rooms with no access to the outside world at all. Yes, these are the kinds of thoughts you have. Then you are angry because even though you brought them up within a loving extended family, going to church every week, with teachers and scout leaders who loved them and did everything right, they still made these choices. And then you see kids who were brought up in completely dysfunctional homes and NO religious upbringing and those kids thrive in spite of that. But then you sit in court and watch your kid brought in in shackles and you're sitting next to the weeping parent who actually did exactly some of those things you thought you were lacking and their kid is brought in right after yours.
Ultimately, we have come to know that they have made these choices for themselves. Yes, both sides of our family tree's have genetically had addiction issues, so perhaps once a child with that link takes a step down that road they're more prone to deep trouble. But they do have to make that choice and that step at some point and take responsibility for it.
They also have to make the choice to get well. We can't do it for them. We can push, prod, scream, cry, beg and anything else you can think of. But until they are ready to face their demons, we are wasting our time, our financial resources, our emotional energy, our own health and sometimes our own relationships. One thing I thank God for every day is that Tom and I have basically been on the same page throughout this ordeal. Many relationships do not last through this kind of trauma. We have learned and grown through this process and have gone from sleepless, crying heaps on the floor to trusting in God to lead and guide us in making decisions or NOT making decisions on behalf of our children. Two years ago we would not have been in a place where we could turn our own child in to authorities where they would at least be safe, have to get clean, and deal with their legal issues. But that's where we are now. And we can sleep at night. And we've found that in sharing our struggles, there are more people than you can possibly know out there going through the very same thing. People you would never imagine would have to deal with this problem.
On my flight home I had a plane change in Las Vegas. A woman who had shared my aisle with a seat between us asked as we pulled into Vegas if I was going on. I told her yes, and told her where I was going. She said she was also changing planes and going on to visit grandchildren as she and her husband were going to be leaving soon to serve a mission in Hawaii and she wouldn't get to see the grandkids for awhile. She also said they had just finished up a mission calling at the prison working with inmates with addiction issues. I hesitated, then told her why I was in town. She put her arm around me and testified of the programs they have in jail for addicts and assured me we had done the right thing. She also shared the story of their adult daughter who had become a meth addict but was now, 8 years later, clean and putting her life back together. Then she quietly said that Jeffrey Holland had come to visit the inmates and had said that when Jesus returns he will not sit down and "go over things with the bishops and the pastors" he will surround himself with those like the inmates who need him most. He said "Even now the Savior walks these halls". I am counting on that.
We have a prayer book that we use every night before bedtime. This is one of my favorites:
Lord, I pray You would make whole anything in my child's life that is broken. Bring restoration of all that has been lost. Restore lost time, lost opportunities, lost health, lost relationships, or whatever else that has been taken from them. Bring the transformation needed so that they receive the wholeness You have for them. Once they have been set free, help them to stay free. Keep them from becoming entangled again. I say to You, Lord, "Be exalted, O God, above the heavens, and Your glory above all the earth; that Your beloved may be delivered"(Psalm 108:5-6). In Jesus' name I pray.
